Gutterati
by trudisapixie
Summary: It's that time of year again and Logan deals just like he always has not very well at all , but this time there's someone there to help him. Rated T for suggestions of adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer of ownage; Rob Thomas - everything. Me - Just the laptop and this really cool nightmare before christmas hoody.

(By the way the word 'gutterati' probably isn't a real word, but it came from a friend of mine who used to call himself and his group of friends the gutterati, because of all the bad and dirty things they did yet people still seemed to love them. So its a play on the words Glitterati and gutter :D enjoy)

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**Gutterati**

It's that time of year again. You're drunk and disorderly. Trying to drown your sorrows, that's all you do now. But you're sure that you're not the only one, there has to be others in exactly the same position. Others have to still be dwelling in the past, you can't be the only one. You tell yourself this over and over again, hoping it'll ease the pain. It doesn't.

Numb and drunk, you spot your target. She's pretty, blonde, petite, a glistening smile with glittering eyes. You feign interest in what she says, all the time wondering how easy it'll be. She carries on talking, not noticing the darkness in your eyes.

It doesn't take long before she leaves the bar with you, her naivety working to your advantage. Taking her back to a pre-booked hotel room, you do the deed. It's cold, emotionless and lacks enthusiasm on your part, but she deserved an Oscar for her performance. She played the part with perfection. A role she didn't even know she was playing.

Once the deed is done, she falls asleep next to you. You stare at her, her blonde hair caped in alcohol and sweat, it sticks to her face, back and neck. She looks just like her, but she's not. She's nowhere near. Just another faceless, pretty, blonde to add to the list. It's been five years, the list is getting long now.

She begins to stir, looking up at you with stars in her eyes. You did that to her. You gave her false hope. She doesn't even realise. She was so innocent, so naive. You've destroyed that now. Just like the many before her. Why did you have to put stars in her eyes?

She looking up at you like you're the glitterati, like you're her saviour from the darkness of the world. You're far from it. You look at her with what you hope it pity, before climbing out of bed.

'Where are you going?'

She calls after you, you just get dressed, ignoring her pleas for an explanation. Taking some notes out of your wallet, you throw them at her.

'Don't put me on a pedestal. I'm in the gutter just like you. I'm not the glitterati, I'm not your saviour. I'm not your shining star. I'm the gutterati! I'm dirt just like you! I suggest the tackiest, most sordid tabloid if you want to make the most money.'

You hear your tone, it's cold and callous. You leave, you can hear her sobs behind you as you close the door. You broke her, you broke another one. But you don't care. You're hearts not pounding for her loss, it's pounding for your loss. Your humanity is failing you, it's fading bit by bit.

Soon after you find yourself somewhere familiar. You haven't been here in years. Too many painful memories. Too many missed opportunities.

It's late, but that doesn't bother you. You know the owner of the house will be awake. Knocking forcefully on the door. You wait as a figure approaches. You half wish, half hope it's her. But you know that it can't be.

She doesn't live here anymore. She hasn't been here for years.

The door swings open. The familiar face greets you.

'Logan...'

His voice is filled with fatherly care and concern at your appearance. You look at him. His eyes are red and puffy, he smells of booze. It's that time of year again.

'I did it again Keith...'

As you speak, Keith's arms open and you fall into them, finally letting your cries out. Your tears soaking through his shirt. Sobbing violently.

'I did it again, it's all my fault. She's gone and it's all my fault.'

You can't believe he's still holding you, trying to calm you down. His little girl is gone because of you.

'Logan, Logan, listen to me. It's not your fault. You are not to blame. Veronica's death was not your fault. It was a terrible accident. She would not want you think like that. She loved you with all her heart, body and soul, whether she admitted it or not, I know she did.'


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to all those who commented. I'm glad you liked it. This is part is from Keiths point of view.

Disclaimer - To be honest I think Rob Thomas is rather selfish keeping all these amazing characters to himself, but hey theres nothing I can do about it... I don't own them :(

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You look down at the crying man in your arms, as his sobs subside. You haven't seen him in a while. It was almost a year ago infact. He's just as broken as he was then. It was a different setting then. He was getting picked up by your officers, he'd asked for you specifically. You'd told him to clean his act up, she wouldn't have wanted it. You know she wouldn't have wanted it.

For most part of the year, it seemed to have worked, you wasn't reading as many stories about him in the papers, in the gossip magazines. But here he was, at your doorstep, pouring his heart out, on the eve of her death. On the eve of your little girls death. You wanted so much to stop his pain. But nothing would, you knew how he felt. Her death left a whole in your heart the size of Texas.

You'll allow him this one, this slip of judgment. You'd had one yourself too, after all. You couldn't ease the pain in his heart, or in yours, but you could help waver the guilt, at least for him. Tell him it wasn't his fault, tell him it was an accident.

"I dunno Keith, I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I could have done something..."

His voice was strained through sobs.

"We all have that feeling."

You lie, not everyone has that feeling. Not everyone should have that feeling. You know that you could have done something. You could have stopped her from getting into that car. You could have gone yourself. But no, you were too busy playing Sheriff, if anyone's to blame, it's you. You should have told her to stay out of the case, let your office handle it. Who are you kidding? She would have done it anyway. Damn stubborn Veronica, but you should have stopped her.

"It was worse this time Keith... another nameless, faceless girl... I think I broke her. She was crying, sobbing. I destroyed her. And I just didn't care. What have I become?"

He looks at you with those sad pathetic eyes.

"Logan... you need to get some help. And for my daughters memory, I'll be right there with you. Every step of the way."

You place a comforting hand on the man infront of you. He looks as much of a mess as you feel. You wonder if Veronica ever knew what she did to him? He was the picture of cool, calm and collected until she made an impact in his life. She had a way of overturning everything you'd worked so long to hide. She was your world.

"You know she'd think it was hilarious."

You add with a small smile gracing your lips. Its true, she'd be laughing at the thought of you and him being therefore each other, wherever she was. That's the thing about loss, it does strange things to people.

"Thank you."

He speaks almost inaudibly, you barely hear it.

"First of all, you need to sleep this off."

You step aside for him. He looks at you with wide eyes. You know he's thinking of the last time he was here. You'd come home from the office, about 3 months after it had happened, to find him asleep on her bed. It was only after you'd chucked him out, that you realised it was Valentines Day and he was lonely, he was missing her, he still loved her. It was then that his life started going downhill. It was then that you read, almost daily about the most recent escapades of Logan Echolls.

"Thank you Keith."

Of course you had to help, it was partly your fault that he'd gotten so bad. If only you'd seen the signs sooner, if only you'd had reached out to him sooner. But this was only the fifth time you'd seen him since her death. 5 years, and you'd only seen him five times.

He reminded you of her, that's why you had shut him out. At least that's what you kept telling yourself. But now you're not so sure you should have. He needed you just as much as you needed him. Better late than never huh? Let's just hope so.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry it took a while to get this up, but I had a few versions of chapter 3 and I just didn't like them. Back in Logan's pov, enjoy! Thank you for reading and reviewing as well... your comments make me smile :D

Disclaimer - still I own nothing but the empty pepsi bottle by my bed. But one day, I hope, Rob Thomas will share the wealth.

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**  
Chapter 3**

"Welcome everybody, we have a new member this morning. Would you like to introduce yourself sir?"

The lady with the warm smile, standing in the middle of the circle of people offers the floor to you. You look around a couple of times at the eager faces, the bemused looks, the lack of concentration on some of the faces, the paranoia. It's oddly comforting. Group therapy, works for some, why not for you?

"My names Logan,"

You're voice is deflated. You think it's pointless. But Kieth got you a place here, he said it will help ease the guilt, it said it would help heal, you could tell he was lying, but you didn't have the heart to say now. He's been so good to you, you have to at least try, right? Like hell you do, you scrape your chair back and go to leave.

"If you're not ready to share Logan, you don't have to, but please stay, listen to what the others have to say. Listen to their stories. Sometimes it helps to listen more than it does to talk."

Her voice isn't angry, it's warm, it's soft, just like your mothers was. You turn back around and sit down on your seat. Maybe you could just listen, at least for a bit. It's not like you've got anything better to do. The smile that graces her face shows wear and tear, but it's no less intense, it reaches to her eyes and she's happy you're staying.

"Melissa, would you like to start today off."

She offers the floor to a small raven haired young woman. She screams paranoia as she slowly raises from her seat, and looks around carefully. There's something familiar about the way she stands, her face is scarred, as are her arms and legs. She pulls down her long sleeved top when she notices you staring.

"It's rude to stare."

She points out with anguish in her voice as you quickly flick my eyes up to hers.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"No they never do, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as much! You don't understand!"

Her voice is full of venom. It's just your sort of luck to provoke a highly damaged girl just by looking at her.

"Melissa... breathe, and calm. Would you like to share with Logan what happened? Then he can understand."

The woman grabs Melissa's hand in hers, with pleading in her eyes.

"What's there to tell? The scars are pretty self explanatory. I was in a fire that killed my family. I'm completely alone."

Her anger ever evident. For once in the past five years, you want to reach out to another human being and comfort them, take their pain away. Because you know what it's like to be alone in the world. You know what it's like to have everything you love taken away from you. That's progress right?

"Worse bit... I don't even remember them, so I can't grieve them. I can go to their graves, but I can't talk about the times we spent together."

The girl infront of you begins to tear up. So maybe you can't understand. Sure, everyone you cared about is gone. You're family are gone. But at least you still have your memories.

"I thought I remembered something today, there was a beach... it was beautiful, golden sand, I can't have been anymore than 11 or 12, and we were playing on the beach. But hey who knows, they could be false memories right? Who am I kidding? Of course they're false memories... they're just dreams."

Melissa shrugged before taking her seat. Such an angry young girl. And you thought your sob story was one for the record books. But still you don't feel like sharing.

You want to tell them, really you do. You want to tell them how when you were young your father beat you, you want to tell them that when you were 16 the girl you were in love with was murdered by your father, how when you were 17 your mother committed suicide, how you were accused of murder, how half your classmates died, how when you were 18 your father was assassinated, how you watched your best friends little brother jump from the top of a hotel and did nothing about it, and then how at 20 years old, the love of you life was killed and you blame yourself.

They're not ready, you're not ready. Why would you want to spill your heart to a stranger? Everyone's out to get you, remember?

You sit, arms folded, listening, as other people in the group reveal their stories. One boy watched as his mother was shot dead. One woman lost her husband to cancer, she knew it was coming, but it still didn't mean she was ready. Another woman's husband and son died in a car accident, she was driving. She suffered from terrible guilt. You felt like telling her it wasn't her fault, that she should just be thankful that she's alive.

Maybe you should listen to yourself? No! You could've stopped Veronica, if you had, she'd still be here, you just know it. So you just leave the lady in her squalor of self pity. Maybe you're not making progress after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for reviews... they are like chocolate to me :D

Again, usual **disclaimer** I still do not own Veronica Mars, but I was going to get the dvd's for my birthday, but my mum couldn't find them on such sort notice so I didn't :(

Logan makes a little progress.. and then back tracks a lil... hope you enjoy!!

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**Chapter 4**

"Is there anything you'd like to share today Logan?"

You just shake your head. You've been going to group therapy sessions for four weeks now, you've barely said more than your name. On the plus side, you've been sober for four days now. You're liver thanks you, but your body is screaming for the intoxicating liquid. It makes everything so much more real without it.

Realities a bitch, she's harsh and unforgiving. You don't like it one bit. You want to quit quitting, you want to quit getting help, but then you remember the reason you're here, so you don't. Keith's been good to you, he's the only reason you're still here. He's taken you in for your own sake, part of you believes it's for his own sanity too. He's a father, he needs to look after someone, you just so happen to be that someone. It shocked you that you let him. But now, you look forward to the mornings, you look forward to the smell of breakfast cooking. You look forward to seeing the sun, hitting the waves.

And then it hits you, maybe group therapy is working. At least it's making you more susceptible to being around people. To accepting help. To listening to others. You know now you're not alone.

"You don't even want to share why you're here?"

"I think you've all guessed why I'm here. We're all here for the same damn reason. Dealing with our grief right? Or did I walk into the wrong group of oddballs?"

Your tone is harsh, and you curse yourself a little inside. She was trying to make a bridge, and you just knocked it down. You shake off the feeling, you've got enough baggage, you don't need to add anymore guilt to it. Besides, you wouldn't be so snappy if you were on the drink... right?

"Yes, but would you like to share with us the reason you're grieving? Say something. It doesn't have to be much, just a name, or a description, or a feeling, or ever a memory, just something about you."

A sadistic smile plays across your face as you eye her. You wonder which death she'd like to know about. You wonder who to talk about? About which lost cause should be the topic of interest today.

"That all depends... who do you want to know about? Lilly? My mum? Aaron? Beav? Or Veronica?"

Did you just share?

"There's a story and feeling of weakness and guilt behind all of them. I could have done something, I could have been stronger, it's not my fault right? But it is. It is my fault. It was always my fault... even when she made me feel like it wasn't."

That sad expressions back on your face, she's running through your mind again.

"They were right the first time... I never deserved a girl like her... I'm dirt... she's pure innocence."

You're mumbling incoherently, if you weren't sure that you'd given up drinking, you'd be convinced that you were drunk. You look around at the bemused faces.

"What? That's what you wanted to hear right? Names, descriptions, feelings, memories... something about me? I believe I covered them all. And you know what..? I could do with a drink, so if you don't mind, I'm going to cut this little play date short, I have another one with my friend Jack to get to."

You go to leave, but the dark haired girl with the scars and the issues, Melissa, stops you, she holds onto your sleeve. You look down at her with confusion, she looks up at you with pleading in her eyes.

"Take me with you?"

She whispers, not that she needs to, the whole rooms silent, they'd hear her no matter what. You get closer to her face before sneering at her.

"What makes you think you'd be welcome?"

"Because misery loves company."

A smirk plays on your face, she's right. You straighten up, hold your hand out for her, before leaving the confused group of grievers behind you.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you Marte for reading the whole of this fic and reviewing everytime it makes me smile to read your reviews, so thank you! I'm just glad that you put up with the ramblings of this. To be fair it was never meant to be anything more than a one shot, but hey... imagination runs and all that.  
Thank you to everyone else that has been reading and has reviewed and all that!

Anyway, only one more chapter after this one. This one starts off in Logan's POV then jumps to Keiths after the line break.

Disclaimer - I own nothing that resembles anything to do with Veronica Mars... I just like making things up in my head.

Enjoy!!!

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Chapter 5

You sit in a bar, your fingers curled around the bottle like its your life line. It's your first one, but you haven't taken a sip yet. You just stare at it. You want it, your bodies screaming for it. But you know, if you do, that's taking a step back. You were making progress just half hour ago, then everything blows up.

You just have to make a scene, you love making a scene. You must've got that from your father, it's the genes. It's like, if you're an Echolls, you know how to make an exit!

"What was she like?"

Your breath catches in your throat, you almost forgot that you came to the bar with someone. A sad smile tugs at the corners of your lips. You know she's asking about Veronica, but do you really want to talk to a stranger about her?

"Which one?"

You bite your lip playfully, mentally preparing yourself for floods of emotions.

"The reason you're with the group?"

Melissa's eyes look hopeful as she takes a swig of her beer. You take in a deep breath, definitely Veronica, Lily you dealt with, your mom you dealt with, your dad you dealt with, Beaver you dealt with... but Veronica, five years down the line, you're barely past denial.

"She was a goddess and now she's gone. What happened to you?"

You uncurl your fingers from around the bottle as you turn to her. She smirks slightly, she knew it was coming.

"Car crash, amnesia, fire. How did you meet her?"

She shrugs it off like its nothing.

"What is this twenty questions? School."

You answer using as little detail as possible, mimicking Melissa. That way it might not have been her you were talking about.

"Now I know what your next question is... and no my hair isn't naturally black. It just seemed more fitting than the blonde."

Your ears prick up at the blonde. Blondes are your weakness. They all look like her if you squint really hard. You reach out for the beer bottle infront of you.

"Blonde suggests bubbly and perky... I am neither."

"Veronica was blonde."

You mumble as you press the bottle to your lips, downing half the contents. There goes the four day marker. Might as well not stop now.

"Veronica the blonde goddess? Figures."

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You got the call half hour ago. But you were busy with paper work. By the time you arrive at the bar, you realise maybe you should have left straight away. You spot him straight away and take the bottle out of his hand before passing it to the bar tender.

"Keith, nice of you to join us. Want a drink? Oh Melissa, this is Veronica's dad, top bloke! Sheriff, you know. Melissa's in group therapy with me... Keith, Melissa, Melissa Keith... yada yada."

You close your eyes hoping that all of this is a dream. He was making progress. Running your hand over your brow you open you eyes again. Spotting the timid young girl next to him, nursing her beer, he wonders if she's even old enough to be in here, and you know it's your job, but you can't even comprehend the amount of violations there are in this bar at the present moment, you have a bigger problem to deal with.

"I think you've had enough don't you Logan? Lets get you home."

"Home? Tell me now, is home that place where everything seems so real?"

You can hear the bitterness in his words, as he swigs from a beer bottle he picked up from another patron. You take this one off him too and pass it back to its owner, who looked about ready to kill Logan.

"She's been gone for five years Logan! I've been lenient on you in the past. I've been patient with you over the last five weeks, you were making progress, but then you go and blow it all because you thought sharing sucked. Well, reality check! Life sucks! Her not being here sucks! I've tried being there for you, I've tried waiting it out, but I'm done. I'm through with being sympathetic!"

He's looking at you with wide eyes, seemingly sobering up. But you're not done, not by a long shot.

"Don't you think I'm miss her too? But you don't see me trailing every bar picking up every blonde I can find. I think it's time to try some tough love! You need to get out of this slump your in and live your life... Veronica wouldn't have wanted any of this! She'd want you to live you life, if you're not going to do it for yourself, do it for her!"

You find yourself awfully close to him, there's barely inches between you as you point angrily in his face. He looks away from you, you're done here. Hoping the message sinks in, you turn to leave.

"I'm afraid..."

You hear his voice crack as he quietly speaks. You turn to look at him again, the expression on your face turning as you see his brokenness, your compassion returns a little.

"I'm not going to lie to you Logan, it's going to be hard. You can move on with your life while still remembering her every day, but keeping her alive in everything you do. You don't have to dwell on her, it only taints her memory. I don't want to see you like this anymore... she wouldn't want to see you like this, she wouldn't want this. The only person that's going to get you through this is you."

Your words hit him hard, they also strike a cord in your heart. All these years you've been harbouring your own guilt, but it wasn't your fault. Sure, maybe if you'd known you'd have been able to stop it, but there's no way you were to know. Your just tainting her memory yourself. You need to let go of the guilt, of the pain.

You turn to leave again, but you know, by the look in his eyes, that you finally hit home.


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry this took so long to upload! Got tied up with work, had it finished ages ago though! Bad me!  
Anyway, this is the final part... hope you enjoy... thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, you've been fantastic.

Disclaimer: I still own nothing sorry.

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**Final Chapter:**

"It wasn't a short and easy journey. It was a long, hard road to acceptance. I'll never be totally over her, but then what sort of a person would I be if I were to forget her? Keith's words had hit a nerve. They'd hit home. They'd done exactly what they were meant to do; snap me out of my pit of self loathing and guilt and live again.

"At first I couldn't even see a life without Veronica, sure we'd been broken up when she'd died. But when we'd broken up, I just thought it was temporary, just like it always was. But death kind of makes things more permanent.

"When someone you love dies suddenly, you don't want to believe it. You'll do anything to make it not real. Life becomes surreal, it becomes a nightmare. Everyone handles grief in different ways, and trust me, I'm pretty sure I've handled them all kinds of crazy. I've alienated everyone, I've pushed away people that care, I've cried, I've drunk myself into a stupor, I've had fits of rage, I've destroyed things, I've destroyed myself, I've laughed, I've smiled, I've blamed myself, I've blamed others, I've even screwed every faceless blonde in the vicinity of Southern California, some of them I destroyed.

"I think the only thing I haven't done that I should have was remember. I should have remembered the good times. I should have carried on living.

"Now I remember when I stepped into here, I wasn't willing to share. I didn't think therapy could help me, especially group therapy. I didn't want to tell people how I felt, I didn't like sharing. I didn't want to relive what happened, because I thought it would make it real, talking about it would make it real. If someone else knew, then it would be truth. I didn't want it to be the truth, I didn't want her to be gone.

"But it wasn't healthy, I know that now. I was still dreaming of her every night. I was drinking myself numb. I causing trouble. I was bringing others down with me. It's like I wasn't in control of my own body, like I was watching someone else's life go by. I was powerless. And when I realised that, I realised I needed help.

"I've been coming to these meetings for a year now. My life's finally back on track. It took me 10 years to get my life back to how it should have been. I was 16 when I first encountered death close up. My dad murdered my girlfriend. My mum committed suicide when I was 17, my best friends little brother committed suicide during my 18th year, my dad was murdered when I 18 too... and when I was 20, I lost the love of my life.

"You'd think I'd have been broken long before then, and looking back I realise I was, but at the time, that was the one that finally made me crack. When I found out, I reached for the bottle and then another and another... soon I couldn't tell one from the other, I couldn't remember what it was like to be sober.

"Now, I've been sober for 9 months. It still hurts to think about her not being here, but I can talk about it, I can talk about her, I can think about her, and smile. I'm living each day for her, I've gone back to college. I've started a charity to raise the awareness of road safety and help the families of road accident victims cope, and its to help the survivors. Its what she would have wanted.

"I'm moving on with my life finally, I'm dealing with grief and living with it every day. I now realise there is nothing I could have done. I shouldn't feel guilty. I just regret not telling her I love when I had the chance. To tell you the truth, I'd still give anything for her to be here, and I'd still go to the ends of the earth to trade places with her, but... I know there is nothing I can do.

"My names is Logan Echolls, and I'm dealing with grief of the loss of a lot of people I care about. Thank you for listening. And I'd like to thank Keith Mars for believing in me, for having in faith in me and for helping me."

You smile at the room, at the faces of the people you'd come to know well, whose stories had touched your heart. They had become your family over the past 9 months.

It had taken a while for you to get sober, but you'd done it.

It had taken a while for you to open up, but you'd done it.

Life still sucked without Veronica, but now you knew she'd always be in your heart, forever.

You're going to be okay, you saw a future now. You needed to live, for her, for Lily, for your mom, even for Cassidy and your dad, even though they were evil bastards, you still needed to live for them, but most of all you needed to live for yourself.

Now when you looked into the future you saw hope.

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Again thank you for reading and putting up with my incessant babbling.


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